Twists and Turns

This is the post that I've been dreading to write for the few months.  I've been mostly silent about our adoption lately on this blog because I haven't known what to say.  I won't go into every detail on here, but we've had some changes happen with our agency and it does  not look like we will be able to adopt from Ghana.

To sum it up:
The last few months, we've had a lot of ups and downs.  There were days that we thought a referral was really close to coming, and then we would hear that it wasn't going to happen.  We were told that adopting from Ghana has become much more challenging, and that we should consider looking into other countries.  I've been a mess of emotions.

There have been many days of doubt and frustration.  How have we been so sure that God has called us to adopt and then this could happen?  Why is our timing always wrong?  Why did these potential matches have to fall through?  Why do we always have to wait longer than everyone else?  Why do these poor children have to wait in an orphanage when we are ready and willing to love them?

There's been a lot of whining in my prayers and not enough gratitude.  In these moments of doubt, I have felt certain that Satan has been preying on my deepest fear...what if we've done all this work, spent all of this money - and it's never going to happen?

Part of this problem is that I keep a lot of these fears and doubts to myself.  Drew knows about it, but not many other people.  I have always felt that I don't want to bother others or begin complaining about our situation.  I often don't discuss my frustration, especially on my blog, because I don't want to get emotional or seem ungrateful for what I do have.  One thing I want to make clear -- having Judah has been the biggest blessing of my life.  I don't know if I would truly understand what a gift he was if I had not had to wait so long to become a mom.  I know that there are other families just waiting to become parents and I don't ever want to sound like I am not thankful for him.

We've questioned if we should still adopt and both of us have felt a resounding yes from the Lord.  When reading the book of Isaiah this week, I was reminded again of how God has asked us to "seek justice, encourage the oppressed.  Defend the cause of the fatherless..." (Isaiah 1:17).  And I reread one of my favorite passage in the Word:

⁶ “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
    and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
    and break every yoke?
⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
    and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
    and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
    and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
    and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard.
⁹ Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;
    you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
    with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
    and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
    and your night will become like the noonday.
¹¹ The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never fail.

It was just what I needed at that moment.  I noticed other verses that I had highlighted in Isaiah about how

     -God's thoughts are not our thoughts, and God's ways are not our ways (55:8-9)

     -those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength  (40:30-31)

     -He will take hold of our right hands and will help us  (41:10,13)

     -He will carry us and rescue us (46:4)

     -when we pass through the waters, He will be with us; when we pass through the waters, they will not sweep over us; when we walk through the fire, we will not be burned; for He is the LORD our God  (43:1-3)

We do know that God cares for us and has a plan for us, especially when the future is uncertain.  And I'm starting to realize that it may be important for me to share our struggle with others.  I've always been more prone to keep things private, but I have benefited so many times from hearing others share about the tough times in their lives and how God used that to accomplish His purposes.

At Mops this week, I wasn't planning on sharing much about our adoption.  I didn't want to get emotional or bore the others with our never-ending adoption saga.  But one of the ladies asked if I had any news, and it all came blurting out.  And it ended up being the most incredible experience.  One of the girls asked if she could pray for me, and I felt God's presence in that room as the ladies gathered close and prayed for our child and all of the obstacles that have stood in our way.  I am so blessed to have these ladies in my group and their caring lifted an enormous weight off of my shoulders.

So what's next?

Drew and I still plan to adopt.  We are looking into another country with another agency and are ready to see how our child's story unfolds.  And if you are wondering why would we still want to continue on this path, this song pretty much sums it up :)

Audio Adrenaline "Kings and Queens"

And this officially ends the longest post I have ever written!  Thank you for reading and please continue to pray for our family!